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Today I was actually productive for once. I cleaned my room and it's about 95% done. I got rid of all that crap in my room. Even some stuff I once treasured.

EVEN the stuff he gave me. I threw it all in. There lies a 20x20x20 box filled with all the crap he gave me. That once meant something to me. Not anymore. I was thinking for a good 5 or so minutes if I should've thrown it away or burn it. I decided to not hesitate and put it all in that box. It felt good. There's only a few things left that I still didn't throw away. I think I'll find a way to dispose of those properly.

You know, it felt good throwing it all away. He told me I was pretty much a joke. As always he will remain dead memories in my heart. I don't think I ever want to talk to him again. I guess that's the good part about living over 2000 miles away from him. He'll never find me. He'll never be able to confront me and tell me how he feels.

The only thing I regret was ever going out with him. If we had never gone out, I would never have done some of the things I did. I wouldn't feel the way I do. We'd still be friends. Neither of us would have ever felt that horrid day when we separated.

What I will never understand is why he couldn't tell me when I was online that he never wanted to speak to me again. I guess he was too cowardly or afraid to hear my comebacks. All his emotions meant nothing to me the day he told me I meant nothing. He tried to make me feel guilty. Like it was all my fault. I can't help who I fall in love with.

If I had the chance to talk to him again... I don't know what I'd do. I think I'd tell him he's arrogant, and unless he changed his ways, he's going to remain alone. He always told me he feared being alone and never wanted to leave me or lose me. He lost me the day he told me I meant nothing. He kept telling me time and time again "I didn't mean it!"... I never forgave that.

All I really have to think of him is that Yoshi doll that always stares at my face. Every night of my life. I see it. So close. Yet so far away. I do miss talking to him sometimes. But what good does it make? He is a reminder of the past. He doesn't want to talk to me anyways. If he did, he would have talked to me by now.

The good thing is that I have my friends back. When I was with him he always told me to be with my friends and then became frustrated. I don't want someone who keeps me from the few people I love... He'd always say he was jealous when my cousin or Sharon were hanging out with me "Because they get to see you all the time."

I can't believe I thought certain things would happen... I can't believe I had a regret. I had never truly regretted anything before him.

I've tried the most to remove him from anywhere that acknowledges us anywhere. I HATED how he thought that because he could draw in 5 minutes he was better. Quality is always better than quantity.



*sigh* Other than that, my day was great. I'm getting a new bed soon. A new couch too. I'll post some artwork soon. Really soon. I just haven't been able to get any up. And I'm taking commissions too! I need some money for college. The link to my Craigslist URL is down at the bottom of this log, so hope to make some business! Help contribute please. =]

xoxo Tina






I love the way that your heart breaks
with every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all be new
and living like it all depends on you

Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

I love that you’re never satisfied
with face value wisdom and happy lies
you take what they say and go back and cry
you’re so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

they don’t have to understand you
be still
wait and know I understand you
be still
be still

Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking
and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
trying to find air to breathe
right where I want you to be again
i love you please see and believe again

Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe!






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